Monday, October 19, 2009

Feeling Alone!!!

I hate feeling like this, but I can't help it. besides the kids I have no one in my home and it has been that way since I became a mom. I have had relationships but nothing has ever gotten off the ground so to speak. I want to get married and have more kids. I want to go back to school and make cakes and stuff. Right now my life consist of my kids'. I work in the classrooms' 3 days a week on top of the afterschool care.

I think i'm pretty nothing to call home about. I just have a feeling its going to get worse when I have the surgery because then I will be skinny, but why didn't they want me when I wasn't skinny. My additude won't change, I am who I am. I love my kids', I love my Church and God. That's not going to change when I lose weight, I'm just going to look different. I think i'm a hell of a catch. I cook from scratch, keep house, I quilt, I'm funny and I would give the shirt off my back if I could. That's not going to change when I lose the weight because that is who I am and that stuff makes me happy. I love spending time with my kids' and doing things with them. That's not going to change. So why do guys' look to the outside first? I am changing my outside because I'm not happy with it. I'm doing it because I want to be around for my kids'. Right now I do not have any health problems but with family history in the weight and medical area that could change and I don't want that. My kids' tell me i'm beautiful but I dont' feel it.

I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone anyway. I'm afraid i'm going to end up resenting guys' anyway because they didnt notice me when I was bigger. Am I valid in feeling this way? Am I going to resent guys' once I'm small. I feel better not that I got it out, Hopefully I can sleep now.